A Fresh Start
I recently dismantled my old blog. When I read it again I’d found that my words on here from years ago were no longer my words. That’s not me anymore. Every bit of love for my children is still there (plus some) and I have those posts saved as private as a sort of scrapbook of my life as a mama, but I can’t keep them up. They are no longer me.
A Serious Task
So……I was given a job. Not knowing exactly how to carry it out- what medium-but just knowing that God wants me to do it. But how? Where? That’s been my first hurdle/excuse. But after thinking about this empty blog space and praying about it, this location got the go-ahead!
But, “Naturally” Mama?
The title makes it sound so easy, doesn’t it? It’s not! EVER! No, never think that I am handling motherhood like a pro! …But if you read it with an eye-roll…?
It’s not even like my whole life I knew I’d have children or looked forward to being a mom. Far from it! I’m the selfish youngest daughter of 3 girls. I always shied away from babysitting jobs and opted to be the moody barista and theatre stage-hand loner. When my parents would argue, I’d actually wish that they’d divorce so I could live in peace. (I am sooooo sorry, Mom and Dad! I am very thankful you stayed married all these years! Omgosh, I was awful!)
I tried (thanks, Mom) to fill my closet with dark clothes and Dr Martin steel-toed boots (that was the only verson of goth style I had access to) and pushed limits with my makeup, dark poetry, music, friends, reading, art, and completely outspoken view on what a lie Christianity was, how ignorant Christians are, and how I could help them understand reality better. There was serious contempt involved. I was completely blind. I am still delighted that I’m able to say that with absolute clear-headed certainty. I was so sure I was right. And it was about being right. I so trusted in my deception by anger and fascination with the unknown and our own feeble, human understanding.
How could I think of children? My life was going to be lived for the most important person in the room-me. I would be an artist or a writer (well…that still happened). I would live in a large old studio that smelled of turpentine and fixer with tall, rounded windows and glazed cement floors splattered with oil paint and clay. Nothing would be a part of my life unless it was highly interesting or gorgeous and completely agreeable to wherever the wind blew me. If there was one certainty I knew about motherhood, it was that I was going to have none of it! But, I was a very selfish teenager.
I’m thankful that my husband has looked forward to being a Daddy since as far back as he can remember. I learned most of the practical details of parenting from my him; eldest in his family; babysat for extra money when he was a teen. He’s a natural, for sure. And I’m still pretty selfish. But I’m heart-breakingly thankful that the teenage me didn’t get all that she wanted. I know I don’t deserve these sweet souls I get to call my children. I am unbelievably blessed.
But, am I bloggable?
I don’t know! I don’t know.
No one could ever mistake me for a type-A mom. I know type-A moms are bloggable because I read and enjoy their blogs. I have tried, but comparing myself to, or attempting to emulate the amazing type-A mom friends of mine has always led to tears. My kid’s and my own. That is not how God created me.
As far as I know, He created me with a touch of His own creativity, a strong dose of wonder, a handful of mischief, a smidge of neat-freak (undetectable), a scoop of inquisitiveness, and a huge glob of grace. I hope, anyway.
Somehow too, despite the first 30 years of my life (…or maybe for contextual contrast?), I was freshly gifted with a heaping mountain of faith.
There might be some patience in there somewhere?…lately it’s been hard to find, but maybe it’s only hibernating. Little children grow bigger while they sleep. I think perhaps it’s the same with patience.
That’s me. It’ll have to do.
So maybe it’s not me. Maybe it’s the words.
I guess what’s catching me up is that Naturally Mama is a mom blog title. Is this going to be about motherhood? If anything, I think it’s about honoring my Heavenly Father. It’s about anyone I may have influenced before knowing Him. It’s about their lives. For now.
And after? ….I’m not sure. I think it might be about living my life with my eyes on Him. Trying to teach my kids about the eternal blessings of doing the same. (And robots.) And very much hoping others come along as well.
I promise I’ll get to that. I will. Probably in the next post.
Thanks for being here. :)